


Even When You're Crying (You're Beautiful Too)

by lilaussieauthor, theauthenticme



Category: Riverdale (TV 2017)
Genre: F/F, Insecurity, Panic Attacks, Toni Topaz Needs a Hug
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-04-22
Updated: 2019-04-22
Packaged: 2020-01-24 06:19:36
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,955
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18565666
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lilaussieauthor/pseuds/lilaussieauthor, https://archiveofourown.org/users/theauthenticme/pseuds/theauthenticme
Summary: Toni becomes insecure about her past and tries to hide it from Cheryl.





	Even When You're Crying (You're Beautiful Too)

**Author's Note:**

> We had so much fun writing this! Toni's such a great character to explore and Cheryl's just so perfect, ugh. Please read, review, comment! Wrote this with the amazing author theauthenticme, please check her stuff out! We love you all, comments/prompts/reviews appreciated :) Hope you enjoy  
> TW for anxiety attacks. I cried writing this, love that for me. :)
> 
>  
> 
> Title from 'All of Me' John Legend. And the crazy ass zendaya stan in me wants y'all to check out her version with Kurt Hugo Schneider because it's BEAUTIFUL; love you all xx

Toni had little cause to doubt her upbringing around Cheryl. The redheaded girl made her feel like no one else could - like she was the most precious thing the world had to offer and nothing could top her. But every now and then, when she looked across at her girlfriend and saw herself from the outside looking in - Cheryl, the northsider princess and herself - the southside scum - sometimes, she had cause to rethink about just how unlikely their relationship was, and, being an unwilling victim of crippling anxiety, she found herself with doubts that surfaced on hard days.

 

Today was, undoubtably, one of those days. Toni was watching her girlfriend muck around with some of the Vixens and it dawned on her how this _re_ _ally_  wasn't her scene. She was a gang member, goddammit- she didn't belong with the cheerleaders, she was here simply because of her relationship with their leader. She shook her head as if to clear the thought out - she actually, _surprisingly_ , loved cheer - and made her way over to the redhead, wrapping her arms around her and breathing her in, ignoring the little voices in the back of her head. Perhaps if she spent enough time with Cheryl, they'd go away.

 

Cheryl welcomed the arms around her waist, turning her head to smile at Toni behind her as she leaned in into her to give her a kiss. There was something about the way Toni held Cheryl that made her turn around fully, looking at Toni carefully. "You okay?" she checked quietly.

 

Toni shrugged. “Yeah, fine,” she mumbled. She just... just needed Cheryl.

 

Cheryl ran her hand along Toni's arm lovingly, doubting the validity of her answer but knowing now was not the time to ask. "Okay babe."

 

“Can we go home?” Toni asked quietly. She didn’t want to interrupt practice but it was practically over and she was exhausted.

 

"Of course..." Cheryl furrowed her brow as she tried to work out exactly what was going on with her girlfriend. "I was meant to meeting Principal Weatherbee to talk about some student body president business after practice but... I can cancel if you need me to."

 

“No, no, no,” Toni mumbled. “I’ll meet you at home. Good luck.”

 

"Sure?" Cheryl checked again, not wanting to if Toni needed her.

 

“Of course,” Toni nodded. “How long will you be?” _Shit, Topaz, you sound so needy._

 

"I'll be an hour or so... tops. Want me to pick up take out from Pops on my way home?" She ran her hand down Toni's arm, squeezing her hand softly.

 

“Uh... yes, please,” she murmured. “I’ll see you then, yeah?” _You literally could not sound any more attached, Toni, give her a break._

 

"You will..." Cheryl pressed another soft kiss to her lips before watching Toni leave.

 

She quickly finished up Vixens practice before her meeting. She picked up their take out in record time, buying all of Toni's favorites, hoping to make her feel better.

 

Toni was at home, sitting on their bed in a fit of anxiety, not having bothered getting changed or showering.

 

It was like, occasionally, her mind was overcome with thoughts and nothing could stop them.

 

Cheryl not being there wasn’t helping - out of the many thoughts running through her head, majority were about the redhead.

 

She really didn’t deserve Cheryl. The girl was as close to perfection as you could find, and Toni was sure that once Cheryl realised she could be a good person without Toni around that she’d get kicked to the side without a second glance - that’s what she deserved. Growing up on the south side, she never felt like she was deserving of anything good, she was - indeed- scum, and if anything good happened it was sure to be followed with something bad.

 

So why the hell did Cheryl choose her? Toni was sure, absolutely positive that Cher had made a mistake - that she’d realise it soon enough and then Toni would be left, like she was meant to be, in the gutter with no sense of direction. She loved Cheryl, she did, but she felt as though the redhead could never love her quite as much as she did her, and that as soon as Cheryl realised how much potential she had and how little Toni was using up, she’d move on and leave the Southsider behind, just as she deserved.

 

"TT?" Cheryl expected Toni to be around..she usually was when food was coming. "Food's here..." Cheryl called, still looking for Toni downstairs. "Are you in?"

 

Toni remained quiet. Cheryl really was too good to her - bringing her food, caring for her - she should stop being such a burden, help out for once. She didn’t want to lay any more problems on the redhead - god knows Cheryl’s life was tragic enough.

 

Cheryl left the food in bags in the kitchen, depositing the milkshakes in the fridge as she went to look for Toni. "TT?" she called again, starting up the stairs. Maybe she was in the shower.

 

Toni bit her lip. Any second now, Cheryl would walk in and find her sitting here - moping about things that weren’t even important. She needed to toughen up, and do it _now_. It wasn’t fair to Cheryl to let her in on her problems - she was being a burden enough just by being here.

 

"Toni?" Cheryl appeared at the bedroom door. Toni was sat on the bed, still in her Vixens uniform. _She hasn't showered yet then_ , Cheryl thought to herself.

 

Toni looked up sharply. “Hi, how was your meeting?” _If you make it about her, you’re not gonna annoy her. Keep talking, Topaz_.

 

"Boring. Although Weatherbee said yes to all my Prom plans," she grinned. She crawled across the bed on her knees, her hand giving Toni's shoulder a soft squeeze as she knelt behind her on the bed. _Something was definitely wrong,_ she decided.

 

"Babe?" Cheryl rested both hands on Toni's shoulders now, feeling how tense she was. She leaned round to kiss her, trying to get a look at her face. "What's wrong?"

 

Toni looked away, moving her head so that Cheryl’s lips hit her cheek rather than her lips.

 

"Nothing,” she said quickly, her voice going up an octave. “I’m fine.”

 

Toni was sure that Cheryl had some sort of brainwashed garble going through her head - she had no idea why the red headed girl cared so much.

 

"You're tense..." she commented, her hands massaging Toni's shoulders tenderly.

 

“Didn’t work hard enough at Vixens,” Toni said with a forced smile. She never worked hard enough - she didn’t know how Cheryl was happy with her when she wasn’t even happy with herself. “Were you happy with how the training went?” _Anything to change the subject_.

 

"Nonsense..." Cheryl admonished with the shake of her head. "You _always_ work hard enough." She started to massage Toni's shoulders gently, hoping it might relax her a bit.

 

Toni flinched away slightly, admonishing the part of her that was enjoying the massage. “I don’t,” she whispered. “I’ll do better next time, I’m sorry.”

 

Cheryl immediately pulled her hands away when Toni flinched. "Toni..." she was worried now. She climbed off the bed, crouching down in front of her girlfriend. "What's going on with you tonight?" she worried softly. "This isn't like you..."

 

Toni turned away. “I’m so sorry, Cher. I’m so sorry.” Tears started to roll down her cheeks, falling quickly after being held in for so many hours.

 

"Hey..." Cheryl took Toni's hands in her own, her thumbs rubbing softly over Toni's hands. "You don't have  _anything_ to be sorry for okay?"

 

“I do,” Toni whispered, her face crumpling. “You... I don’t get it. I’m so sorry.”

 

"Baby..." Cheryl cupped her cheek. "What are you talking about?" She was very concerned now.

 

Toni started to cry properly, bursting sobs shaking her small figure. She couldn’t breathe right - it felt like her chest was caving in as she brought her knees up to her chest, turning her eyes away from Cheryl’s.

 

Cheryl stood up, wrapping her arms carefully around Toni's delicate frame.

 

Cheryl rubbed her back with one hand, standing beside her. "Slow deep breaths..." she reminded when she heard Toni struggling.

 

“Can’t,” Toni gasped, her anxiety growing when she realised she was doing the exact thing she’d promised herself not to do tonight - make Cheryl look after her. The redhead didn’t deserve all the problems Toni was piling on her, yet... “Cher, I can’t... can’t breathe...”

 

"You can my love..I promise you can.." she took Toni's hand and laid it over her heart. "Here..feel my heartbeat..take some slow deep breaths with me okay?" She modeledher breathing, encouraging Toni to copy.

 

Toni tried - on her _heart,_ she tried, but it was like every caring gesture Cheryl made made it worse, made her all the most guilty, until she let out a loud sob and collapsed against the redhead, gulping in air and crying steadily against her girlfriend’s shoulder. “I’m sorry, Cher - I’m so so sorry...”

 

"You have nothing to be sorry for..." she whispered tenderly. "Where has all this come from?" She held Toni against herself, rubbing her back.

 

“I don’t - I don’t know,” Toni whimpered, her body trembling. “Cher... why are you - why are you being so - so _nice_?” She was genuinely confused. She had no  _idea_  what the redhead saw in her, no idea how they’d managed to stay together for this long already.

 

"Toni..." Cheryl cupped her cheek, carefully bringing her chin up so their eyes met. "Why do you ask?" She whispered. "Because I _love_ you and hate to see you anything other than happy."

 

“ _Why_ , though,” Toni asked pleadingly, trying to move her chin from Cheryl’s soft grasp. “I don’t understand - I don’t get it.”

 

"Don't get what my love? How amazing you are? How beautiful? How kind?"

 

“Stop!” Toni cried. “Stop lying to me! I don’t... I don’t g-get why you lo-love me, Cher. You - you’re so much b-better than me. You d-deserve someone better - I don’t deserve you... you shouldn’t w-want me, I’m jus-just Southside sc-scum!”

 

Cheryl was visibly shocked at Toni's outburst. "Hey..hey.." she worked to calm her down. "I'm not lying to you. Nothing I said was a lie, baby. I meant every single word. Please don't refer to yourself as _southside scum_. You're not at all and hearing you say it breaks my heart."

 

Toni took a deep, shuddering breath. “I just...” her tears weren’t stopping. “You’re so much _better_  than me, Cher. I feel like I’m holding you back - like I don’t deserve you, and you’re just... here to make me feel good. Like I’m... stopping you. I don’t wanna be a speed bump... I want you to be able to have someone just as perfect as you are.” She feels her chest tighten again, trying to tune back into the redhead’s heart beat, her breath quickening.

 

"We're taking slow, deep breaths remember?" Cheryl calmed her again, resting her hand over Toni's heart. "With me okay?" She focused on that for a while before addressing what else she had to say.

 

"I am not better than you in any way T. You are hundreds times a better person than me. You've shown me how to be better than my mother ever could..but it's all you. You're not stopping me doing anything..you are perfect to me in every way, even if you don't see it in yourself."

 

Toni’s face still sported a troubled frown. “I j-just feel l-like I’m not go-good enough f-for you,” she whispered, keeping her breathing even.

 

"You are so much more than good enough for me in _every_ way. _Mind...body... and soul._ " she hummed quietly, keeping Toni close.

 

Toni stopped struggling and melted into her girlfriend, her body shaking with sobs. “I don’t want you to feel obligated,” she whimpered. “You’re so... so perfect... and I’m trying to be but it’s _hard,_ Cher, it’s so hard.”

 

"I don't feel obligated TT, I feel _privileged_. Privileged that out of everyone, you picked _me_. I'm far from perfect. I don't think anyone is even close to perfect. But something I do know? My life would be nothing without you T. You have enhanced my entire world and enchanted my heart. You are perfect exactly as you are. Please never change.." she meant every word, kissing Toni's forehead tenderly.

 

“I just... just want you to know that i und-understand that I’m n-not the best option f-for you and if you wa-want to leave me I’ll- I’ll get why.” She knew Cheryl was being really nice but there was a voice in the back of her head, spurring her anxiety and questioning whether Cheryl was telling her the truth.

 

"TT.." she shook her head, Toni was so  _wrong_ about all this. "You are  _the_ best option okay? I'll never leave you."

 

Toni’s walls were crumbling with Cheryl’s every assurance that she was loved. “I... I don’t wanna hold you back, Cher...” It was like the panic attack was taking hold, speaking for her, erasing everything she held true and knew for fact, making her question even the most obvious of facts.

 

"Where has all this come from? Because you don't hold me back. If anything, you push me on to do more..be better.."

 

“I don’t know,” Toni sobbed. “It just all c-came up on m-me and I realised ho-how  _stupid_  I am t-to just take you for granted... not th-that I do b-but I’ve never doubted your l-love - it-it’s not you - I don’t _know_ , Cher. I just don’t know.” She broke off into tears again. “I’m sorry - I shouldn’t be a-annoying you with the-these stupid insecurities - _I don’t know, Cheryl_!”

 

"Toni...  _please_ believe me when I say you never annoy me. I  _want_ you to tell me this stuff." She wrapped her arms around Toni again when she cried. "I'm in love with you..I want to spend every single day for the rest of my life with you."

 

Toni was soaking up every word like it was their first. “I... I love you too. I j-just - I got so s-scared...” she couldn’t stop her tears, pulling gasping breaths into her tight chest and trying to curl her trembling body tighter against Cheryl. “Please help me, Cher, I can’t... can’t breathe..."

 

"You can breathe T," she soothed, holding her close. "In and out..slowly..with me okay?" This was by far the worst she'd ever seen Toni and it scared her. "That's it..you're going great..in and out.."

 

“Trying,” Toni gasped. “I’m trying.” She was, she truly was - but it was like all the pent up anxiety from the last few weeks had just chosen today to pop up like ‘hey! I still exist!’

 

"You're doing a good job..just keep breathing.." she started to run a soothing hand over her back slowly, hoping it would calm her further.

 

Toni whimpered, trying _oh-so-hard_  to breathe with Cheryl. “Nothing feels right, Cher.”

 

"Can you explain to me what you mean about that a bit more please, sweetie?"

 

“I... I don’t know,” Toni whispered. “I’m dizzy... and I feel like - like I’m watching this happen - like it’s not actually us. Nothings real. And I’m - I’m really scared... it’s never been this bad, Cher...” her face crumpled again. “I’m so scared.”

 

"You don't have to be. I know it feels that way but I'm real. You're real. We're both here together" she reassured her. "Tell me 3 things you can see around you right now."

 

"Y-you," Toni said shakily. "Um... the - our bed... m-my camera?"

 

"Good... that's a really good start..." She praised, stroking Toni's cheek.

 

“Trying,” Toni murmured again, nestling closer to Cheryl. “Why, Cher?”

 

"Why what TT?" she asked softly.

 

“Why... does this have to h-happen? I -“ she let out a soft, sad whimper. “I don’t like it.”

 

"Anxiety can be.." Cheryl started, thinking carefully about her words. "A really debilitating thing. If we let it. But..we can fight against it..remember what we know in our hearts and not let the anxiety win."

 

Toni nodded thoughtfully, bringing a shaking hand up to wipe her nose. “I... I’m trying, Cher, I swear I am.”

 

"You don't have to tell me that T. I can see you are..and I'm so proud of you for letting me in and letting me help. I always wanna do that for you."

 

“I want you to... you’re the only one who gets through - I was so scared, before, because I thought you’d agree with me... and you’d leave.”

 

"That's never going to happen. Nothing you could do or say is going to change that."

Once Cheryl could sense that Toni's breathing has returned to normal, she cupped her cheek, their eyes meeting. "What do you need right now?"

 

“You,” Toni breathed. “I need you. In... in every way possible.” She felt much calmer now, the tightness in her chest all but gone, replaced with a searing need for Cheryl.

 

"Whatever you need baby..I'm all yours.." she kissed her passionately, a hand falling to caress her sides.

 

Toni sighed, leaning into the kiss, bringing a hand up around the back of Cheryl’s neck to pull her closer. “I’m sorry,” she murmured between kisses. “That I freaked out.”

 

"You never have to be sorry for freaking out. It happens to all of us."

 

“Right,” Toni whispered, reconnecting their lips. “I love you.”

 

"Love you too." she kissed Toni again, pulling her down on top of her until they were both laid on the bed.

 

Toni moaned softly and rolled over to be on top, arching her body into Cheryl’s as her lips worked against their red counterparts. This was  _exactly_ what she needed.

**Author's Note:**

> Please leave a comment/review/kudos! We love prompts and we're writing for you guys - also because we love it but anyway, please let us know how you liked it! Lots of love xx


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